She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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