I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He passed out mid-signature
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
