i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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