She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
