I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
