I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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