just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
