i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
