u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
