im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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