i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
