if i can run in heels then i can drive
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
