Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
