Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
