there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
