ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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