Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
