I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
