apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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