Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
