I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
