Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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