an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
