don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
