I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
