u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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