just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
