god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
