GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
