the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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