im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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