I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
