mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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