it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
