The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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