Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
