Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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