respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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