"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
