How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm really busy with my period
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