I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
