id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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