I just cut my nipple shaving
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
