then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
