Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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