last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
