remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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