Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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