I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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