He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
